waitingforplayer2

[ Hugs are three times as nice when they're with six arms, probably. Somehow she's coordinated all of them to make the same motion at once, at least for this.

But she isn't going to let go, not unless he steps away. ]

I want to be.

[ Faeries have to tell the truth. So there it is. She hasn't hung out with him much in his Fog-given shade form, but she's quietly glad that he's solid enough to hug. ]

[Ryou could slip out of her grip, if he wanted to.

If he wanted to hurt her, as well, which he doesn't. But when he's not solid...he's painful. Though truthfully...even when he's solid...so long as he's himself, which is something he can never change, he'll only ever be a source of pain for others.]

...You'll end up hurt too. I wanted to come here...for a reason, Nanami. Please, let me explain.

[The part of him that knows they're still friends, and that realizes she's become terribly important to him, it doesn't want her to let go. But Ryou does try to step back.

It hurts, deep in his heart, to do that.]

[ She lets him step back. It's only fair.

Now that she's not rushing towards him, at this distance, the buggy features of her face are much more evident. So, to her, is the glowing purple color of his tail. Without turning her head, she peers at it with her compound eyes. She's never noticed that before. ]

What-- what reason, Ryou-kun? [ She's heard a little of what happened from Atem. She's terribly worried about the state Ryou's in right now. ]

It's because...people around me, they're...they're bound to suffer badly. I don't want to stop being friends, but we can't be like this. Close.

I've done enough. I've tried to change my luck, but it won't stick. I tried to be strong, but nothing helps. So...

[He swallows hard, his tail curling around one leg as his ears lower. He can't look at her.]

We should only spend short periods of time in close contact.

[ She's a little stunned to hear that. But why should she be? This is in line with how he usually is, isn't it? This is the sort of thing she should expect after... well, what Atem said, isn't it?

It still takes her by surprise, as does the short little laugh that comes out of her. The truth stirs inside her, and not a happy one, but not really a sad one either. ]

I'm going to suffer anyway. We all are. That's part of all of this.

[ Life? Ryslig? Being a monster?

She takes his hand and, if he doesn't pull away, tugs him gently towards the table. ]

Come on. Sit down with me. You want some tea? I'm working on the template...

It's not the same.

[Ryou doesn't pull his hand from hers--he's weak, he doesn't really want to push her away--but he hesitates to move forward.]

The kind of things that people do, to try and help someone like me, who can't be helped...those kinds of things can damage you, irreparably. Y-you have to take it seriously! I don't deserve your kindness, or your...

...your tea, or anything.

I came here to tell you that.

[Why did he have to come here? Idiot. Stupid, selfish idiot.]

It's not about deserve.

[ She's going to try one more time, to tug him in the direction of the couch and table. She's watching that door, in case he tries to leave, to run away.

But after a moment, she shrinks back down to her smaller size and flits over to the quarters' little kitchenette, where she grows again. Making good on her offer. Starting a kettle up and preparing a couple of mugs. He may not think he'll be here long, but she does. ]

You're not the only friend I've had who has bad luck, you know. [ She leans on the counter and watches him with big compound eyes. ] When he was here... did you know Nagito Komaeda?

[Ryou doesn't want to, really, but he acquiesces, moving towards the table and looking broody about it. She was supposed to accept his words.

...No one ever does, do they? Why would they? He'd gotten very comfortable here in Ryslig, being slightly over his station. But reality had begun to set in. Ryou Bakura was never of great importance to anyone, not even the person he'd given his heart to.

It had ended so easily...Atem had told him that he couldn't be around him anymore, that he'd given up so much of himself to do so, and he couldn't be around such a luckless person and put his friends or himself in danger anymore

He'd hurt people...for Ryou. And now he regretted it.

...Perhaps Nanami doesn't mean to grind in the thumbscrews, but when she asks about Komaeda, he exhales sharply.]

Y...yes.

[He looks to the floor, standing rigidly in place.]

I knew of him. He was close with Atem...and we'd spoken several times, as well.

[ She watches him. It takes a bit more concentration to do so with compound eyes than in her previous forms, but she's learning. It lets her watch the kettle at the same time, too, if she wants.

But he's got her entire attention. Because she cares about him. Because she wants to watch for the slightest tells, and help him however she can, even if he doesn't ask directly. ]

He had terrible luck. His life was kind of awful, before Hope's Peak... [ She's able to keep from telling more, in case Ryou doesn't. That part isn't her story to tell, and she's told him the most important basic fact of it. ]

So when he came to school... he tried so hard to push his friends away. Us. His classmates. And it worked.

He left the school without much fanfare, and his classmates... didn't miss him much, mostly. [ Except for her. ] I only saw him one more time after that.

[ The kettle starts to whistle, and she pours the water into the two mugs. Carefully, carefully. ]

I've never really forgiven myself for that, I guess. Even when that stage over the summer told me I couldn't have done anything. But even then, I wish I'd spent more time with him when he was around.

... So I don't want to leave you behind, either.

Even if you get hurt. Even if later on...you'll come to hate me for the things I've made you do.

C-come on. Don't be this way. I attacked you...with intent to injure, if not kill. If Crash and Altair hadn't been there, you might not have left unscathed. And then...you had to be exposed to me, in Felfri, when I got hurt, over and over.

...You should cut your losses.

[Ryou chooses to sit not at the table, but at the couch. And for all his height, he still manages to draw his legs in, hold them tight to his chest, and peer over his knees at Nanami, looking frustrated and uncertain.]

The kind of misfortune I bring is dangerous. I don't know whether his was...I don't really know much about him except that he was...rather fond of Atem.

[Ryou shouldn't be jealous, but now, with Atem having decided to throw him away, why should he care if he's jealous? Any of their progress on matters like this? It didn't matter. Because Ryou was a curse.

Just thinking about how Atem had cowered from him, said he couldn't be around Ryou anymore, has his eyes burning hot, brimming with tears that spill over so quickly he couldn't stop them if he wanted to.]

It's okay. I p-promise...if you choose a path away from me.

It'll be alright.

[It won't. His heart aches at the thought.]

I'll survive.

[He's not sure if he will, actually.]

I've always done alright, when my friends didn't remember I was there, or when I wasn't ever as close as they were to each other. It's just how it is.

Do you think you're the only person who's hurt me, Ryou-kun?

[ She tends to the tea, adding lemon and plenty of honey to Ryou's, and a modest amount to hers. Slowly she stirs them. Not bringing them over to him just yet. ]

I have a friend here who killed me, once. I have a friend here who broke my arm. I have friends who are terrorists, or supervillains, or witches, or shinigami... My best friend watched me d-die in front of him, and d-didn't do anything about it.

[ She swallows her emotion. At least she can't cry. This isn't about her. She takes a deep breath.

Thank goodness the truthtelling didn't force her to elaborate. ]

I asked you, once... if it was okay... if I was still your friend. Bakura-kun... I don't want to ask anymore. I just want to be your friend, as long as you'll have me. Because I love you. I don't care how cursed you think you are!

[Ryou-kun. She's...used his given name again, instead of his family name. Why does that hurt? Why does everything hurt so much? For a moment, he tries to pull himself out of it, to push his pain away and instead focus on hers.]

I'm sorry. Your friends...s-should never...n-n-never hurt you...!!

[He can't. He can't.

Ryou sobs, gripping his legs so hard that his claws prick against his own skin, through his clothing.]

I'm s...sorry, I can't--help. I can't do a-anything, I'm not good! I'm not good for anyone!! You shouldn't be my friend if it means I'll end up tearing you apart, by just being me. I already l...lost him, I can't bear to have you scared of me, disgusted with me!

[The longer he goes on, the thicker the words become, catching in his throat as he cries. Ryou can't help it, he can't help the pain he's in, or pushing it out on her, even though he doesn't want to.

He's a coward. He could have left by now. He could have said such hurtful things to her, to push her away...!!

He doesn't...really want to though.]

Hey, hey...

[ She picks up the mugs and walks them over to the table - not flying, because that wouldn't be stable enough. Sits down on the couch next to him, and places two gentle left hands on his back. ]

The point is that-- I still love them, with my whole heart. Just like I love you too. I can't change that about me, Ryou-kun. It's part of who I am.

[ She gathers the trembling shade into a six-armed hug. He's hurting so much, isn't he? She wishes she could help soothe that pain. ]

I can't stop loving you, even if I wanted to. And I don't want to stop. I'm not scared of you, Ryou-kun, even if you're hurting, or having a hard time.

[Ryou truly is at the end of his rope here. No, he's long since reached it. Being tortured in Felfri, being told by the Fourth God that he deserved what he received there, finally letting Atem take revenge in his stead, because holding him back had made him miserable...and Ryou understood it. As a shade, with keyed up vengeance instincts, he understands the unyielding urge to right a wrong. It's something he didn't know before.

Something Atem did. Ryou thought he was being merciful.

Instead, letting Atem strike out at AM and then being concerned for him had led to him losing his love.

Because of this...he doesn't hug Nanami back. He stays where he's at, limp and useless, but as a result, he doesn't shove her away either.

And yet...]

You will. Eventually, you'll realize what I've made you do too. Then, you'll leave.

I h-hope...when you do go...it's not as a broken spirit...

[Ryou's tail curls around one of his legs, tight and uncomfortable, like a nervous snake.]

I'm a curse. I'm doomed to cause pain. What a terrible person to love.

You're not a curse.

[ She says it gently, and hugs him tighter, running a hand through his hair. ]

You're not doomed, and you're not a terrible person. Bad things happen to you, but they happen to all of us... and you try so hard to be kind, and to help the ones you love...

You know I'm telling the truth, Ryou-kun... I couldn't lie if I wanted to, right now...

[Ryou sobs, his shoulders hitching and shaking uncontrollably. He wants to believe her...he does. But despite her inability to lie, Nanami isn't being objective here. There's no lie, if you don't believe you're lying.

She's not lying.

She's just incorrect. He's sure of it.]

Bat things happen to me, all the time, enough that...that even the ones I love get hurt! My pain spreads...a-across my relationships. Atem...h-he's right. He should never have given up what he did...to help me.

I'm nothing but a hindrance.

[And yet, he finds himself burying his face into her shoulder, as best he can, and crying so hard he feels like he can't breathe.]

Hhh...h-he. He won't...ever take me back. His face...he looked s-so scared, and revolted...

I don't want to cause that, ever again...being kind isn't enough! Helping people i-isn't enough, if...they'll suffer because of me...instead of just this place.

[ It tracks, with the mania she saw from Atem, that he hurt Ryou so badly. An uneasy pit forms in her stomach. What was the breaking point? Where did it all go wrong? What happened? They'd always seemed so happy together - well, except for that one time in the summer... ]

We don't know that people will suffer. [ It's what she told Atem, and it was just as true then. ] All we have to do... is, is take what comes, and deal with it together.

Even if-- even if Atem-kun never wants to see you again-- [ And she would have a talk with Atem if that was the case, she's sure of it-- ] I do. Your friends will, too, I think-- he's not your only friend, Ryou-kun.

I've been trying for years to do that, to take it and deal with it...!!

[He shakes his head, biting back a pained wail at the confirmation

(she's not confirming it she's just talking back with you)

that Atem would never want to see him again.]

My friends...they're his friends too. They...they ought to just be his friend. He's stronger, better at this than I could ever be. He's had to help me with everything, there's nothing I've done on my own, ever...

[That...probably isn't true. But Ryou is distraught enough that he can't think of a single time Atem hasn't won the game for him right now.]

And with him, you...d-don't have to worry about being hurt because I'm nothing but bad luck...

Being stronger or not isn't a reason to be friends with someone. [ She nuzzles against him gently as he sobs into her shoulder. Now he's just grasping for excuses, she thinks. ]

You were my friend, even when I had only just turned into a merperson... I didn't even have all my powers yet... and I still don't have powers from the Fog like you do...

[He wants to keep trying, to find the one thing that'll stick and make Nanami push him away.

But the more she speaks--the more he speaks--the less he wants to fight anything anymore. So he doesn't respond to her, and instead cries pitifully like the useless monster he is, with clawed fingers curled against Nanami's back. There's nothing he can do...she won't give up on him, like he's given up on himself.

It's likely to be a minute before he can even compose himself. This time, the argument must have been much worse...]

[ She's too practiced against this. She's seen this pattern too often; she loves her friends too much to let them do it. She never ever wants to make that mistake again.

So she holds onto him, stroking his hair gently; letting him cry as much as he needs to. She's here, and she isn't going anywhere. ]

[It takes a while, and it's wholly unflattering how much Ryou basically crumples against her, despite being a much larger creature. He can't control himself, to the point that he sobs loudly, almost sounding as if he's trying to speak but being wholly unable to.

There's too much...far too much pain in his heart to articulate it at this point. But eventually, after what feels like forever

(or ten minutes, whichever feels less short)

Ryou finally pulls away, swiping at his face with a sleeve. He looks truly miserable and lost.]

Sorry, I...nnh, I just--I thought...things would be better, and then Felfri...happened...and I thought I was a better, st-stronger person. But I'm not, I keep messing up, and now...now it's really over, isn't it?

[His shoulders slump forward, and he stares down into his lap. This is pathetic. He's pathetic. He shouldn't be this low...not after the first time, right? Their bond...it's been shaken already. Maybe Atem really doesn't care about him anymore...and Ryou's the one to blame for it.]

... I don't know... [ The truth is that she still doesn't know exactly what did happen between her two friends; only that they're both upset - Ryou says he's cursed, Atem says that nothing matters...

But she takes his big clawed hand regardless and squeezes it. ] Felfri was terrible... let's never go back, okay? I hated what it did to all of us...

I would never go back. Ever. I...I'd rather...

[He shakes his head, but the implication is there. He'd rather die than suffer anymore time in E+L's domain.

He curls his too-big fingers around her hand as well, looking up at her with puffy, gray-ringed eyes that are still damp with tears. He's a mess.]

I wish I understood.

[His friends? Atem?

...Anything.]

Edited (ugh sorry forgot the cw) 2022-12-13 00:54 (UTC)

[ She nods, and hugs him tightly again. ]

We'll figure it out together, okay? Just... I'm not going anywhere.

[ And that's the truth; she'll keep coming back, even if he wants otherwise. ]

... Is there anything I can get for you? You can stay here, if you like, there's extra rooms... and a portal back to the apartments, too, if you need anything there...

IC Inbox

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cw self-deprecation in the metatext

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cw; self-deprecatiion

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cw; self-sabotage, self-hatred, just. man. cw; YIKES.

cw: refs to past violence

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pls excuse this nothingburger i will dialogue in the next one

eats the burger yum yum

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cw suicidal thought

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