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waitingforplayer2
WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHIAKI NANAMI.
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<galagamer> This is Chiaki Nanami.
<galagamer> I'll get back to you as soon as I can!
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<galagamer> This is Chiaki Nanami.
<galagamer> I'll get back to you as soon as I can!
cw: homicidal ideation, references to parental & systemic abuse, dissociation, PTSD
Date: 2022-04-30 01:52 am (UTC)But the answer is painfully terribly clear. ]
I just wanted her-- gone. [ She squeezes her eyes shut. ] I h-hated what she was doing to all of us, to sensei, to--
[ She sees her grin in her nightmares every night. She wants it out of her head but she don't know if it will ever leave.
She tries to breathe evenly. ] A-and when I hear how-- horrible the school was to you, and to Ikusaba-san, and... and Souda's dad, and-- n-nobody... deserves any of that! They just don't!
[ It all just spills out, a torrent of emotion and pain twisted into the love she can't stop feeling. She's covering her face with her hands, feeling so ashamed at these feelings. ]
And-- [ She gulps. ] And I know I could, because-- the arena, the kaiju, I know-- I know that wasn't me, but-- but I also don't know it wasn't me, it-- it came from somewhere, you know? It was a me.
[ She's been lonely like the girl in the arena. She's been possessive like the monster in the city. It might have been a script - but it was far too familiar. ]
When I have to-- to kill people, here... [ She swallows. ]
I don't-- I don't want to. But I think I'm going to be able to.
cw: murder, mass violence, references to abuse
Date: 2022-04-30 04:21 am (UTC)[Her reaction makes him worry-- not because of what she says. How easy she thinks she could do it, the anger that feels like it's gonna rip you apart from the inside after having to face the world's unfeeling malice, that feeling of something you know isn't you, but knowing it comes from some fucked up place inside you...
For a moment, he feels like he can see too much of himself in her. And he wonders, idly, if that's the way Junko always worked her magic. But that can be set aside, because what worries him most is how much it's twisted her up inside.
He lifts his hands as though to do something when she curls in on herself, though he's-- not really sure what. But when he finally starts moving again, he abandons his coffee on the table, pulling his chair around to sit next to her, instead of across. His hand hangs awkwardly in the air, but-- he slowly brings it down to gently rest on her shoulder, a few tendrils falling close to the same spot without him noticing.]
It's okay. It's the same with any of us... w-with-- me. It's like everything around us wants to beat you down to accept their cruelty. The only way to make them stop was... to make sure they can't do it again.
[Souda's dad. Tsumiki and Kuzuryuu's family. Saionji, Owari... every person that had made them suffer, every cop and politician and authority, every single shred of what was left of Hope's Peak Academy and the world that let them exist.]
At the time, we took it far... but I don't think it's wrong to feel that way. You can f-feel it because you feel so strongly for the ones you care about. I don't think that kind of person is very common.
So I... I get it. Please, don't give yourself grief over wanting to pay back the people that don't even care what happens to you.
cw: internalized victim-blaming, dissociation
Date: 2022-04-30 05:17 am (UTC)She'd been waiting for weeks for the fog to change her, but she didn't need to wait. She's changed all on her own.
And then there's a soft hand on her shoulder, and tendrils too, and she finally looks up, her face stained with tears, and he's there, looking at her with concern, and he doesn't-- he doesn't hate her. He doesn't look at her with disgust.
His words are actually incredibly soothing. Before she knows it, listening to him, she's breathing easier again, her shaking is slowing. ]
I-it's-- wrong. ... of me. [ She stares into her coffee again, unseeingly. ] I-- shouldn't, feel-- this way.
[ She doesn't want to judge anyone else, not when she can't really know their pain, only guess and empathize with it as best she can. Hinata doesn't deserve her judgement (even if she was inclined to do so), but neither does the mastermind-- neither does Hope's Peak-- everybody was just trying their best, right? ]
Nobody... deserves to die... those feelings are, I-- need to be... better.
[ Does she even believe that, or is it just what she's been told? If she answers that, won't that just make her even more of the monster she's already becoming? ]
cw: kind of despair ideology i think that should be a content warning tbh
Date: 2022-04-30 08:52 am (UTC)[His frown is heavy, though still somehow more of a pout. Maybe he just wasn't very good at looking intimidating, but there was still a bit of bitterness in the back of his words.]
We're... trying to do better. Less violent... Less destructive. [He takes his hand back, fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater on his opposite arm as that hand retreated inside.] But that's for us. That's because we wanted a path forward instead of still circling the drain, to atone for what we did. Not because... we regretted everything, or because we thought we should be normal people who know better.
[When Nanami's looking up, he holds out the hand covered by the end of his sleeve, gently wiping the tears from her cheeks despite the dark words coming out of his mouth.]
It's the world's cruelty that made us feel that way. It's because... you th-think a bunch of trash like us deserve to be treated better. Things like what we both did in the TV world, I don't like going that far... but I don't think it's wrong to be angry when everyone else isn't even trying to be better.
cw: dissociation city
Date: 2022-04-30 08:08 pm (UTC)[ Her weak protests are silenced by his sweatered hand on her face, wiping away the sadness. She feels hollowed out, empty, like she's let loose dark spirits into the world, and the vessel left behind is cold and useless. ]
Us... ? ... [ He's only mentioned himself and Enoshima, the girl in the monitor, but... even still, she thinks she understands. There's enough pieces to fit that puzzle together, too. She stares distantly at his sweater, still feeling a bit unmoored, but their faces are all so easy to remember. ]
Y-you're not... trash... you all... [ She swallows, still trying to catch her breath. ] I-- I... care about all of you, so much...
[ She doesn't know what to do with all these horrible dark feelings she's unleashed in her heart - but that one thing, she knows more than she knows anything about her own self. She will love her friends until the day she dies for the last time. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-01 11:22 am (UTC)We all care about you, too. I know I do. [And he's certain Souda would love to loudly proclaim it, if given the chance. Komaeda too, though he'd probably make it as confusing sounding as possible...
But Hinata can tell how gutted she seemed to be-- honestly, it was kind of his fault for bringing it up, and discussing such terrible things so casually, even if he hadn't meant to be that casual about it. Still, it feels like the least he could do is reassure her... no, it's the least he wants to do. The thought of people being alone with the things that had fucked them all up in the past made him sick, even worse when it was someone who'd been willing to care about him so much to actually get angry on his behalf.]
And no matter what you do here... no matter what feelings you have that you think are terrible or wrong, no matter what you do with it or what you become, you'll still have us. [He smiles, tired though it appears.] I'll always be on your side. Nothing could make me stop caring about you.
[It's more clear-- more sturdy, and sincere, than all the other times he'd promised to help her in the last month, too wreathed in anxiety as he always was. But on this point, he's unwavering.]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-02 02:39 am (UTC)She leans back in her chair, visibly relaxing, the adrenaline flowing out of her, the shaking actually beginning to subside. Calm-- at least a modicum of it, at least for now.
She can breathe. ]
Th-thank you. [ She's so grateful for him, and she gives him the warmest smile she can muster-- to try to convey that in any way she can. ] I... th-thank you for, understanding. I... I feel the same way, about all of you.
[ She's quiet for a little bit more, just breathing. She rubs her eyes. ]
You... went through so much in ... all that time, huh?... [ Her lost time. The time after she died, and before they both made it here. ] I'm... glad you're all okay, after that.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-02 10:50 am (UTC)I'm glad... I-I thought you'd be a lot more upset at me, if I told you about it. [Explaining his earlier anxiety on the way here, at least. In retrospect, maybe him and Souda freaking out really had been silly...
He rubbed the side of his arm, as though wringing out the excess anxiety, before both of his hands fell together in his lap in a way that was almost bashful.]
T-To be honest, a lot of the problems I made for myself... [Example, volunteering for the Kamukura Project. Pretty much everything Ultimate Despair had done, and he'd kind of been the one that snuck AI Junko into the Neo World Program--] But we're okay. I'm... g-getting better, I think. At least better than the way I was in that arena, eheh.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-04 03:40 am (UTC)Mm... whether or not you did... [ And she's noticed Hinata's tendency to blame himself quickly, so... she's not totally convinced. ] I'm still glad you came out of it okay, in the end. Ah... I'm curious what happened, but only when you feel like talking about it, okay? It sounds like it was a lot.
[ A sudden realization, and a much wider grin. She actually digs into the bag of (cooling) fast food, since some of the tension in the room has been washed away, and the coffee and emotions have driven up her appetite a bit. ] But I'm so glad you got to meet everyone!! Souda-kun already seems to really like you.
[ He's making fun of Hinata, and that means Souda likes him. She finds the bag of fries and offers Hinata one. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-04 07:20 am (UTC)[He felt a little bashful about. "I'm still glad you came out of it okay." But in a good way, another reminder that things would never be like their lowest times before.
But he'd told her about the Kamukura Project... and going into it anymore than that would be pointless. All it would do would inflict her with more heartache for no reason; give her a longer list of things to fuss about, and.. more specifics on the special and unique ways his head was fucked up. The way his and Kamukura's brains worked was best left to himself, after the whole... telepathic network thing. And as for the rest of the Tragedy and Despair...]
Th-The rest isn't really my place to tell. It's Souda and Komaeda's stories too. You sh-should hear about what happened to the rest of the class from them... [He couldn't really bring up the terrorism and world destruction without mentioning them, after all,,] But a-after that I can fill in any other details you want to know.
[Despite the strained look that had come to his face, it eases up again when he reaches out to accept the fry.]
H-He decided we were best friends at some point, and I didn't get that memo at the time. [Though his exasperation is clearly fond.] And Komaeda's just as much to deal with as always... but I don't mind in either case. I don't think I ever could've made it this long without the both of them, or the rest of class 77... I-- [He awkwardly nibbles on the end of the fry.] --I hope that's not weird, f-for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-09 07:05 am (UTC)I'll talk with them. I hope he wakes up soon...
[ The next part seems to surprise her. The idea of it being weird... a rush of warmth flows through her again. She sets the fries where he can reach them and goes for a burger. ]
It's not weird. I feel the same way about all of them. [ She looks at the burger without eating it yet, just remembering their faces again. Every single one. She'll never forget. ] I don't know how I would have made it through school without them by my side... if they were there for you too, like that...
[ Did they make memories together, like Hinata had once implored her? Did their lives continue happily together, even through turmoil and grief, even after she couldn't be with them anymore? There's an ache in her chest but she thinks it's just love, reaching out across the universes to them. ] Then I'm really glad, that you could be there for each other, like all of you were for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-13 10:57 am (UTC)But it's a surprise-- though it should stop being a surprise by now, surely-- and still a relief that Nanami doesn't seem to have a problem with it. It feels too easy to see himself as... a replacement, knowing how much the others had cared about her. Even still, his expression is sheepish as he moves to take another fry.]
I-I'm glad...I-I didn't want you to feel like I was trying to replace you, or anything-- [keep the inside thoughts inside hinata]-- but now we can all be there for each other. It's not exactly a peaceful school life... but it's better, in some ways.
[He's-- tentatively-- optimistic!]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-14 09:38 pm (UTC)A... replacement? [ She racks her brain, trying to think of how he could be. She supposes that... he became their friend, after she died, but... she thinks that's probably two unrelated things. ]
Mm... [ Another slow bite, while she thinks. ] No... you're friends with them, and I'm friends with them, right? It's nothing like... replacing me. [ A gentle smile. ] It's okay for all of us to care about each other.
[ She hesitates and looks away. ] But... I wish I could be with you all again. I... I miss them.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-20 11:17 am (UTC)Still, her answer is a relief. It was something that once again shouldn't have surprised him, but... he knows how it feels to feel like you're irrelevant among your friends, and the reassurance on both sides is still good to have, he thinks. Ah, he hopes?]
Yeah... I know what you mean. [Still, despite all those nice and optimistic affirmations, he frowns along with Nanami's hesitation.] I miss them, too. It feels like there's something... missing.
[It had been the same feeling that had grown heavier, and heavier, every time another one of them were killed or executed on the island. This time it's just... a benign sort of absence-- though it felt a lot like everyone was still stuck in pods again, too. He wagers that's... probably how a lot of them had felt, after Nanami's death.]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-22 10:23 am (UTC)I know some of them have been here before... [ She doesn't know the entire history of this place, but she's gathered that much at least. Souda mentioned Sonia, and the previous her. ] So maybe I will get to see them again someday. [ She sort of hopes so... but she knows that's selfish to think about.
It's not like she's got a chance to see them again in their world, right? She died, and that was it for her. But with that thought, something else occurs to her, and she looks at Hinata curiously. ]
When you leave here... do you think you'll go back there? Maybe you could ... tell them something for me?
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-25 10:25 am (UTC)[His expression's still a bit forlorn, though.
Hinata didn't even know if he'd make it back, and the thought sinks the weight through his heart and to his stomach, never being able to go back to his friends on the island again. But Hinata was lucky enough to still be alive in that world-- from what he's heard from others, people don't even go back home when they leave her, but maybe there's a chance far off in the future that people will actually figure it out.
He's not sure he really deserves to go back, anyway, but he still looks at Nanami curiously.] What's that?
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-28 07:05 am (UTC)She turns it over in her head for a long time. ] I guess... just that I miss them.
And-- and I love them, and I hope they're doing okay without me, and taking care of each other, and...
... a-and maybe I'll think of other things to say, too. [ This is hard.
She takes another bite of her burger to hide her emotions. Totally normal conversation - sending a message to your friends you might never see again, across universes. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-28 10:20 am (UTC)It's bittersweet, when she finally comes up with something to say-- there's a sadness to his smile, ruminating on how obvious it was she still cared for them, and knowing in his heart that... if they were sent back to their world one day, she'd still be gone forever.]
I'll tell them. [He chuckles a little, fond despite the touch melancholy.] And if you think of anything else to tell them, you can let me know. I'll be sure to let them know.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-31 03:15 am (UTC)[ School days feel so far away now - especially the good ones. Even the ones after he and Nagito left, when she was--
She looks up suddenly. ]
Hinata-kun. You owe me a game!
(no subject)
Date: 2022-06-01 09:18 am (UTC)[He looks up suddenly from where he'd been digging through the fries again.]
I... I guess that's true...
[That was.... kind of the last thing he'd ever said to her back in their world, huh? He tries not to dwell on it.]
...W-What-- like, right now?!
(no subject)
Date: 2022-06-03 06:33 am (UTC)[ She puts down the burger and looks around. The arcade's pretty quiet, but-- she can turn anything on she wants to.
She gets up from where they're sitting and jogs into the back, where she hits the switch that turns on the cabinet's power circuits - as the machines start up, she hurries back out to the front, digging a small sack of tokens out of her pocket. ]
This one doesn't have co-op like the one back home, but we can alternate turns! Come on!
[ And she leads him over to one of the cabinets-- Galaga. Not quite her favorite game - but pretty close. ]
i literally don't have an icon for this expression lol
Date: 2022-06-05 08:57 am (UTC)It quickly silences any words of protest he could've put up. Sure, he'd played it a few times since coming here, just out of nostalgia-- but it's different now, thinking about those sunset-framed afternoons like they were real, playing together despite how much they'd have to restart because he was losing, a few drops from the fountain occasionally escaping the stream.
The smile on his face is different than usual, something warmer, and happier; maybe it's the genuineness that makes it different, or the fact that it's relaxed, without being keyed up for the next possibility.
Hinata gets up from his seat easily, following her over to the machine, making sure his eye was still in place.]
Alright-- but I warn you, I've gotten a lot better...!
;-; hinata
Date: 2022-06-06 06:51 am (UTC)I'll bet we could get to twelve times in a row! Maybe more!! [ She starts up the game and breezes through the first round - she's so excited that she almost loses a life at one point, but she pulls through with a perfect score - and then steps aside to let him play.
She tries not to let her excitement show too much, but she can't help bouncing on her feet a little - this is the first time, in a year or more, that they've been able to play together. And she missed it a lot, and-- she thought she'd run out of chances, but-- he's here, and it's like old times again. ]