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waitingforplayer2
WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHIAKI NANAMI.
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<galagamer> This is Chiaki Nanami.
<galagamer> I'll get back to you as soon as I can!
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<galagamer> This is Chiaki Nanami.
<galagamer> I'll get back to you as soon as I can!
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-11 03:03 am (UTC)[ Right now she's all clarifying questions. No judgement despite the faerie truthtelling; as calm as she can be despite her worry.
She just wants to know what happened first. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-11 04:55 pm (UTC)[He looks down.]
I paid a very high price, for something that didn't even work. I was tricked into causing suffering, not just for me, but for my friends, for the humans here --
-- because I thought I could help Ryou Bakura protect himself. Even if I couldn't.
What I failed to realize, is...
...he's what you might call a favorite of this place! That's not a good thing. There are times when this place forces you to suffer, even if you have abilities that would usually prevent it...penalties, like when that manticore snuck up on me from the air, when I should have been able to hear his heartbeat, and be faster.
It's only happened to me once or twice that I'm certain of. It's easy to mistake for bad luck! But, with Ryou...
...it's past luck. It's more like doom...!
And I, foolishly...thought that I could fight it.
[He doesn't look at Nanami, just at the reflection of the arcade lights off the clear class and red liquid. They're pretty...like light reflected off an oilslick he's drowning in, like a sunset over a tar pit. But, if you can't appreciate the little things, when everything around you is an unstoppable crushing force, then what do you have at all? He might as well appreciate the sunset.]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-12 06:09 am (UTC)She grips the edge of her hoodie, partly to keep it tight around her mouth. She thinks she's understanding what Atem's saying - maybe - but the conclusion he's come to is horrible. Her blood feels like it's run cold in her veins.
A deep breath, then another. As she tries to grasp how he got here. From his perspective. She has to. ]
You left him... because bad things kept happening to him... and you couldn't stop it anymore. No... you've given up too much... to try stopping it. To want to.
Is that... kind of what you mean?
cw murder, broadcast talk, mania, mood instability, self loathing
Date: 2022-11-13 01:18 am (UTC)[He confirms, using her exact words. It's mocking in the sense that he's imitating her, but it's not in order to make her sound stupid. He's just. Unstable, at the moment, and parroting.
The mania's making his head spin. It's hard to be serious, to be vulnerable, when it feels like his brain is eating itself, when it feels like his skin's on fire.]
All the worst things I've done in Ryslig...I wouldn't have done them, if it weren't to help him. You heard about the broadcast...where I frightened a whole city at once?
I'm pretty sure I could have gotten my own powers, without putting the game on TV.
But Ryou lost his temper, near the end. He killed and ate those guys while the camera was rolling. I knew...making it public would bring him up to level three. I was hoping for Maya and the Ring-Spirit to benefit, too, but...
...but --
[Here, his face twists into a rictus grin.]
-- mostly, I wanted Ryou Bakura not to have to be so scared!
Heh heh....heheheh...
[He hates himself so much.]
What a useless wish, huh...? But, those powers...they were taken away from him, when they shouldn't have been, for no reason...at the time he needed them most.
So, if that kind of thing can happen...in spite of my efforts, then...
...all I did was cause suffering, for no reason.
[He lets out a breathy laugh, fog issuing from his nose and mouth like smoke. Up the wine glass goes again!]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-13 11:54 am (UTC)But there's more to it than that, of course. It's pain, and loss, and grief. ]
I don't think it was useless. What boyfriend... doesn't want his boyfriend to be safe? To not feel scared? I don't want that for any of my friends...
[ Fog, the broadcast. The damned broadcast which she keeps hearing about but came in too late to actually saw. It continues to weigh on her friends' lives.
There's another aspect to all of this - Atem's own agency in doing the horrible things he's talking about - but she pushes that down, as a lesser truth, and focuses on the larger one. ]
Don't you think, in doing those things... in trying to protect Ryou-kun... you caused more than suffering? It's love, isn't it, to look after each other? To try to make him feel safe, even if it doesn't always work? You both care about each other so much... isn't that something you've given him, too?
cw torture discussion, agorophobia, amputation, BLANKET MANIA CW
Date: 2022-11-13 05:04 pm (UTC)...that almost hits. Giving Ryou his feelings, even if he can't give him strength...that comes dangerously close to worming its way into his heart, past the hopelessness. That's something this place can't take away, from Ryou.
But, the weight of all of it...
(fear, fear to go outside
lost limbs that grow slowly
hurt when he shouldn't be
killed when he shouldn't be
weak to water
a malady lust hadn't heard of
cut me open, didn't have to
didn't come back like steve did
and now, my friends are in danger, too.)
...it's crushing. It's too much for a small comfort like that.]
You don't understand. However he feels about it, the cost --
-- the cost isn't just me, now. I should never have involved the others, who helped me with AM. What I did to AM isn't going to protect Ryou. It's just going to get the people who helped me hurt, and Ryou will still --
[His glass comes sloppily to rest on the floor -- not tipping over, but just barely, and a few drops do hit the arcade carpet -- and both of Atem's hands go to his face.]
He's only going to be hurt, and hurt again, in ways I can't predict, because they're worse than the rest of us face. The rules break around him! And I can't keep making other people suffer to try to fix that -- it was a mistake to! His powers just let him down! He'll always be scared! I'm --
[His face is still hidden, but he laughs into his hands.]
Heh...heh heh heh...
Why I did it, what I was trying to do, doesn't matter if it didn't work. What they said about me....they were all right.
I'm the worst monster out there.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-16 09:42 am (UTC)[ And that's enough. That's as much as she needs to hear before she's reaching forward and pulling him into a six-armed hug, pulling him close. If he resists, she'll let him, of course; but otherwise, the embrace continues. ]
No, you're not. Atem-kun, you're not. You're one of the most powerful and amazing monsters I know - one of the best friends I know.
You don't know-- we don't know-- that our friends will get hurt, for what you did. Or that Ryou-kun will. And if he is-- what monster is more prepared than you? What monster is more powerful than you? Okami-san, I guess? And even she isn't a priest!
What matters isn't-- isn't whether bad things happen, because bad things will always happen. What matters is that we're here for each other, and help each other through it... just because we can't change things happening to us, doesn't mean that we can't still do our best to take care of each other.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-16 01:47 pm (UTC)But what good is it, to be powerful and prepared, when --
[His voice rises, in volume and pitch.]
-- when it can all be taken away at any time? Even if it doesn't make sense, or shouldn't be gone...there's no use sacrificing for the power to protect yourself if it can't be counted on!
I can't keep trying, Nanami! If that's how it is, then I can't keep risking and trading and destroying the things I care about, to try to keep him safe! And I can't --
[Here, there's a break in his voice, a catch in his breath.]
Every time I try to help, I...I just make it worse.
[The broadcast...it led to Ryou throwing himself to the wolves on the network, and nearly to AM, if Atem hadn't caught him. In September, trying to prepare for Ryou's revival had just led to terrible suffering. And, now, the friends who had helped with AM...they'll go through what Ryou did.
He feels so helpless...and so scared.]
I can't. I can't just watch. It hurts too much. But I can't help prevent it, either...or even make it less bad. It's like you said.
Bad things will always happen. It's just going to happen again, and again, and again -- !
[And, if there's no way to so much as mitigate that...if the entity playing opposite them, if Ryslig, is going to trick Atem into setting his friendships on fire for power and then take that power away whenever it pleases, then...
...why should he keep playing? Why should he follow their rules, and let them hurt him over and over and over?
The game isn't just rigged. There might be no rules at all -- just an illusion of them, to make him think he has a chance. And, if that's the case...if they're all trapped, struggling, in that web, where fighting it only tangles you tighter...
...if there's no holding onto anything good, if he's been tricked and used and the only future is watching his friends suffer, too, then....
...then, he's taking the whole thing down.]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-18 09:52 am (UTC)[ It's a simple answer, but now that they've gotten here - now that she's heard more of the problem - it's an easy one.
How can people like Atem or Mukuro hold up the weight of so many hearts and so much responsibility on their shoulders? How can any of them do any of this without each other? ]
You let-- you let us take care of you for a little while. You tell me what you need. Please. And I'm there.
[ He sounds so tired, and she's so upset to hear it. He did so much in the last month, while she-- no, she's not gonna get on that right now. Either way, it's her turn to hold that weight. She can bear it. ]
I asked you a while ago... to tell me what the signs were, that you needed help. That's because... I care about you, Atem-kun. You're part of my heart too.
Let me help. Let your friends help you, too. That's what we're here for, isn't it?
cw body horror metaphor in meta
Date: 2022-11-18 02:39 pm (UTC)[He lets out a terrible, manic little laugh.]
You can't help.
I can't help. Nobody can help.
We're all...s-stuck here...
[Stuck in a web, watching each other lose bits and pieces of themselves, until the venom dissolves them from the inside, and they're hollow, empty shells--]
Anything you do...will be as useless as what I did. W-whatever decided Ryou shouldn't have his powers will make sure of that. We'll all suffer exactly as much as they want us to suffer...!
[His shoulders are shaking, in her grip. He's trembling.]
There's no rules here, Nanami. I was wrong. It just looks like there are, to trick us. My friends...
...
My friends are a trick, too. Everyone I know is another way to hurt me. Either I watch them hurt, and hurt myself because I can't do anything, or...
...or, I try to help them, and it doesn't work...it just makes other people hurt, and this place doesn't have to lift a finger.
That's probably why we get the coins.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-23 08:52 am (UTC)[ She doesn't think she is, anyway. She gently strokes his back, with four of her hands - possibly an unsettling sensation. ]
The way I feel about you is real. The way all of us feel about each other is real. You weren't tricked... I don't think.
[ She pulls back from him finally, and looks him in the eye. ] You need rest. Real rest. If you need a place to go, you can stay here... but either way, I'll stay with you. We can play games, or eat, or-- anything you like. You don't have to worry about taking care of everybody else for a while.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-23 02:00 pm (UTC)...the kind where the feelings are real.
[Mana gives them coins to encourage interpersonal connection, engagement with what happens, and they fall for it...they form bonds, and learn new ways to be hurt, or they make enemies, and generate suffering for free...
It's a neat, tidy, efficient system. As neat as the god factions, that reward division and revenge.
But he doesn't say all that out loud. She's not listening, she's not going to join him in despair, and maybe that's good, or maybe it's bad, but it's out of his hands. She's written him off as so tired he's become upset, so...
He looks down at the three-quarters empty glass by his hand.]
I could sleep.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-28 09:41 am (UTC)[ She gets to her feet and tugs him over to the couch. It's closest, and from underneath she pulls out a spare set of blankets, kept close by in case of any humans or monsters who need to take a nap.
Gently she takes the glass from him too, and places it on the table. She busies herself with laying the blankets out. ]
If it's a trick... maybe we can figure it out. If it's a rigged game... maybe there's still a reason to play. It's what we do, right? We make a good team... the King of Games, and the Ultimate Gamer...
[ She never uses that title for herself. But she will for him, to try to reassure him.
She sits down next to the spot she's laid out. Either way, she'll keep him company. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-28 02:20 pm (UTC)They're both experts at games, the highest-level players in their respectibe worlds. But...]
Why play...when the game is designed to hurt us?
When the rules can be broken against us at any time, but we can't break them back?
[He sits down on one side of the couch she's made up, not quite going under the blankets yet. Instead, he pulls his knees up, and leans sideways against the couch arm, a little ball of cow with a tucked-in tail that doesn't have it in him to stay upright under his own power.]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-11-30 10:17 am (UTC)The itch in her brain doesn't like the idea of guessing, of making up some sort of idea to comfort Atem; so she takes a deep breath, and moves closer to him on the couch. ]
I... don't think I can speak for everyone... but, for me, I guess it's because... I want to. It's really just like that...
(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-01 08:09 pm (UTC)....but, even if I don't want to anymore, I don't have a choice.
[Well. He has a choice. Go numb, and let the game happen to him, and let his friends continue to spiral, losing more and more and more of themselves, or...
...or, take matters into his own hands, and end it. For all of them.]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-04 02:14 am (UTC)Because that is the awful truth. There is no way out of here, if somebody really wants to leave.
That's what Sonic has already figured out. ]
I'm sorry...
(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-05 02:14 am (UTC)He's really tired, all of a sudden...
He's going to have to decide what he's going to do about this. Just enduring isn't an option. Kaiba said himself, he had no idea when he'd be back: time might work differently, outside of Ryslig. Atem can't wait for him. Not any longer.
For now, though, what he needs is sleep. Atem wants to stop thinking, for a while.]
...it's not your fault.
[He seems to settle further into the couch cushions, not relaxing so much as sinking.
Not being alone, though...that helps. If she weren't here, it would be terribly easy to give in to the itch behind his eyes, the tightness in his skull, and cry uselessly. It's a good thing she's here...]
(no subject)
Date: 2022-12-09 10:48 am (UTC)Her eyes are droopy. She's pretty tired, herself...
As she finally drifts off, the last thing she sees is the doorway where he entered, holding his wine glass and looking manic and upset.
She's going to have to talk to Ryou later, and find out what exactly happened... ]